Murderous Messalina, and Eythor’s Everyman Dilemma

I’ve been involved in an email exchange this week (which I have been given permission to post), from Eythor J. He wrote initially seeking some general advice and after I urged him to tell me his story, I found it so compelling, and something a lot of men are dealing with now, I thought I should share it with you:

“I have been waiting for your book since you announced it because it sounds unique and everything else I have read is about therapy and counseling, which I reject. As I told you, I am experiencing the worst, most uncontrollable emotions of my life since making a terrible discovery: my wife is having sex with my neighbor and doesn’t think I know about it. She is younger than I and simply vivacious and seems to have re-discovered her youth, while I, unfortunately, have not. She has been dressing sexily and spending evenings out with friends, which I must accept as our work hours differ, but she has become a changed person this last 2 years or thereabouts. I was suspicious finally when I saw some details in our bedroom which I’ll omit but I placed a camera in our bedroom and within a week, my fears had been proven true, all too true. I saw clearly how sexual she has become with this man, and I am devastated and am pretending to be home sick, because I just don’t know what else to do. I have been at home now 23 days and am in danger of losing my job and now Cecilia is suspicious that I know something. I think now she and he have moved their relations elsewhere rather than stop, which I suppose was my intention in being at home, though truthfully my thinking process has become very unreliable. I have said how anxious I am to read your book though I know it is satirical, as you say, yet you sound by your writing to be every sympathetic to my situation.

So I will ask: what ought I to do now? I am simply STUCK, and going downhill fast!!!”

Eythor, maybe more than you can know, I understand.

You are experiencing an evolutionary shift that is beyond each of us and really is perfectly in line with the development of our species. I’m completely serious when I say your wife is acting out feelings which she has every right to act out; one day, you won’t still be pissed off at her, especially after you read my book. The only problem, as I see it, is the absence of communication: you should know everything she feels, desires and expects. Yes, in a perfect world (one I hope to be facilitating!) a woman will have no fear of revealing her complete desires to her partner, and in your case, not knowing your wife, I am not ready to condemn her, nor should you.

Truthfully, it seems to me you blew it, not her. I think if you were more honest and open about your feelings, your wife would not have had to sneak around in order to satisfy herself but would have felt free to come to you, if she felt she could trust you. Clearly, you have created a situation in your home where she is not happy and she doesn’t feel she can be honest with you. That isn’t her fault, it’s yours, but let’s then dismiss all this ‘fault’ mind-fuck and quickly get you on to doing something about it!

All fault-finding does is paralyze you with guilt, when what you need is action. You can introspect and wallow in the joyful, delicious misery some other time, but now you must act, and with authority

Them’s the facts as I see ’em; now, what to do, beyond getting my book, which should be out in the next few weeks (How High Should I Jump? The Satirical Guide to Pleasing Today’s Woman by Seaburn Books)? Well, you have, of course, many options (and as soon as my book is available, you’ll have a very clear route to take, one that ought to remove all confusion and bad feelings, though I caution you it will take work and is, unlike counseling and therapy, no passive ‘somebody else doing it for me’ formulaic memorization pablum, but a code-book for action, a blueprint to a new way of thinking, being and acting).

First and foremost is to sit down with her and man-up, let her spill herself to you. Act like it’s all your responsibility, your short-comings, and above all, refuse to blame her! Just don’t.

Look, Eythor, she is only following her feelings, and your wife hasn’t felt good for however long it’s been going on, so don’t further the problem by being a selfish prick with hurt feelings. You wanna show some manhood? No whining, set aside your crying and limpness and sit before her and find out where she is at, where she has been, enough you and your issues, there’s no time now for you and your melange of petty self-indulgences, so shutter those weak-kneed temptations, those inclinations to lay back and luxuriate, ‘oh, why me, why, why why?’ Manhood demands you knock that shit off, that disgusting self-pity; feel sorry for her for a change, pal, get into her Being for a moment and feel what it’s like living with you!

If you were of a better character, of a more uplifting personality, a fucking joy to be around, she wouldn’t have needed to head over to Richard’s place for what she’s missing, she would have gotten it from you, yet now you ask, ‘what can I do?’ Well, admit your role in all things, buck up and stop laying around the couch playing some sympathy game. You think looking like some broken slob is gonna be attractive to her, now that Richard is fulfilling her desires? I’d say take a shower and put some decent clothes on and do everything you can to get back to work and out of her sight ASAP and I’d do it now, today, this instant if you really have any thoughts of keeping this wonderful and deprived woman at your side. In all likelihood, ‘anerriphtho kubos‘, as Caesar said when poised before the Rubicon, ‘the die has been cast‘, man, the milk’s spilled and now you gotta adjust and adjust means adjusting you, getting you and your attitude and actions shifted from where you’ve been at to a much more harmonious place, ’cause where you’ve been at ain’t cutting it, correct?

Thus, what you can do -and gotta do now– is practice some fully honest pity-lessness upon yourself. No fucking indulging in little boy broken-emotion bullshit, you act like a man and go to her and, after apologizing for your selfish behavior, then you sit and start listening to her, that’s what you do, Eythor, got it?


Had another comment this week, anonymously: “…and how come you’re doing this weekly thing on women? Why not talk about your book?”

Well, Anonymous, my book isn’t out yet, unfortunately, but once it is, believe me, you’ll hear about it, but I also have a life-long pile of notes I’ve been taking over the years about outrageous historical women in hopes of one day doing something interesting with them. I am, of course, no expert on all things female but I’ve accumulated a lot of interesting historical gleanings from my studies, and here, in this effort, I am able to share them.

To wit, in this week’s installment of History’s Most Outrageous and Powerful Women, I give you the Roman Emperor, Claudius’ wife, Messalina!

Ah, Messalina, one of my favorites, if for no other reason than for her sheer audacity. Like many of the women I’ve written about, Messalina climbed to the top by virtue of her sexual skills -and appetite- but stayed there because of her fierce ambition, and her legendary cruelty. While I may boast to have read every account on record of this remarkable woman, it is the gossip and rumors which most interest me. Yes, I give full credence to the legend that she would leave her palace at night and pretend to be a street prostitute, working her trade till dawn, and quite enjoying herself. I also fully accept the story that she often blackmailed upper class women to work in a brothel which she controlled, and that she once challenged Rome’s top prostitute to see how many men they could fuck in one night; Messalina reportedly took 25 in 24 hours and won the contest. During one especially wild evening, Messalina danced naked on top of a wooden platform at the Forum in front of thousands, and on another occasion, she gilded her nipples, decorated her palace bedroom like a brothel, and invited all comers, an event in which it is claimed she sexually took on over 40 men and women, and several large animals. Further, she was said to have had a particular taste for servants and enjoyed sexing them -men and women- and then abruptly dispatching them when she was finished, a thin, razor-edged gladius her favorite implement post-coitus.

Claudius, for those who haven’t read much of their Roman History, was no genius nor was he a beautiful, heroic man in the cut of a Pompey or Sertorius. He was thought to be a manager more than ruler of Rome and, no scholar, was easy prey to his desires, which afforded Messalina with many of her opportunities. Indeed, coming from noble birth and a radiant, dark-haired beauty herself, at 15 she won over the emperor and enjoyed a tremendous sway over his decisions. Messalina was cruel, capricious and arbitrary in her exercise of extreme power, for no one could bend Claudius’ ear more quickly than she, which she used to mow down whomever she perceived to stand in her way. Revenge became a verb which she employed with glee.

I’ll not relate the numerous stories of affairs with nobleman, actors and of course, her servants, but will note only some of the more outstanding traits of her numerous dalliances. It is said that she kept a harem of over 200 Nubian slaves, large, well-endowed black men whom she had ‘milked’ each morning, the semen collected in a bath which she would luxuriate in as she recovered from her evening’s excesses, a treatment she claimed kept her skin “…as young and bright as my daughter’s.” Anyone who spurned her sexual advances she had put to death, and in one particularly heinous act, had a young girl slowly bled to death so she could watch closely the moment of death while being thrusted by a servant to the point of ecstasy.

Her exploits reached beyond the scandalous, and threatened to finally put end to Claudius’ reign, Messalina’s outrages increasing with every wanton event that was reported throughout Rome. The final problem for Messalina, and her actual downfall, however, came from her increasing belief that she was impervious to justice, since she held absolute command over her husband…or so she thought! When she had actually married one of her lovers, Caius Silius, in what she thought was a secret ceremony while the emperor was gone from Rome, upon his return, the bootlickers ran to Claudius to inform him of this latest outrage, and the emperor, exasperated at last, did the unexpected and had Silius and the entire wedding party put to death and Messalina put under guard. While she momentarily able to soften his anger, it was only a few days later that he had her, too, put to death, freeing the empire from one of the most ravenously cruel women to have held sway in a nation of remarkably ravenous women, often referred to as ‘the most depraved and murderous nymphomaniac in history‘, a charge I think she would proudly claim.

And congratulations are certainly in order to my San Francisco Giants and their amazing, historic, come-from-behind victory over the hapless Cincinnati Reds. Coming from 2 games down where they clearly were outplayed, my word did they turn the tables around, never doubting themselves and earning a scratch-it-out Game 3 victory before dealing the Reds 2 successive fatal blows, a wipe-out in Game 4, and Buster Posey’s grand slam, among other heroics, in Game 5 to win it. What a testimony to what can be done if you eliminate your doubts, for the Giants never would have advanced had there been lingering questions or doubts of their ability. No, these guys overcame a tremendous hole down 2-0, and are headed on to the National League Championship Series.

Fantastic, and again, congratulations, SF Giants!

4 Responses to “Murderous Messalina, and Eythor’s Everyman Dilemma”
  1. Myron the moron says:

    Wow wow I was reading up on the first war c.2700 b.c. when the men where at war away from there ladys what did they do to please, them self. Or when there wife cheated on them. They would did a big hole in the ground and get naked and put homey all over there, body and there penis head and shaft coved with honey. And weight for all the flys and bees sworm, all over there harder cock and weight to they make them shoot there load and cumm . If the flys and bees did not make them come the soligers would sucks them of what fun . I did it last week and it workS I did it in a taning salon . There where alot off flys and bees I brought in and the woman where already there I cam and cumm what a fucken day .try it it works dont have to us your hands

  2. Tim Oscar says:

    Woa dude aren’t you a little too hard on Eythor? He wanted some advice and you like pounded him. Maybe yeah that’s good for him but its still harsh!!!

  3. Franklin Wayne says:

    I have to disagree, Tim. Milt’s advice, tho hard-hitting sure and maybe hurtful, is exactly what this soft guy needs. I love what Milt said about not blaming women but in adjusting YOUR attitude, which makes the most sense because nowadays, it IS woman’s time and he’s right, its we Men who have to adjust, so don;t get mad at Quibner, he sees the future and is leading us there.

  4. the Mik says:

    I actually totally agree with Quibner: he told the guy the straight-up truth, which is a rare commodity today. Everyone wants truth delivered on THEIR terms, but that isn’t how truth operates and Quibner actually did this man a favor by thumping him hard.

    Will we get a follow-up story to find out if this man ever did sit down with his wife and listen to her (which makes such sense)? My guess? Nah, he’ll chicken-out and blame her instead, like the majority of us would do.

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