Zingua the Immolator, and more on Eythor’s Dilemma

In answer to the several emails I received this week, yes, I spoke with my publisher on Wednesday to find that my book will be out “…some time before Christmas.”

Now, of course I wish I knew the exact or even relative date, but my publisher, Seaburn Books from New York City, is a small press with a helluva lot going now right now, and not only my book but a host of exciting new projects. I’m one of many and will simply have to wait my time, and yes, I’m revved up and rarin’ to get my work out there yet all the anxiousness in the world won’t make it happen any time sooner, so my response? Settle back and watch some SF Giants games, and keep myself focused on the book while not becoming too worried or pre-occupied…or something like that!


Got an email from Eythor J., he of the ‘sexually-independent wife’ from last week:

“…but I just can’t sit down with her and BE honest, I’ve kept it all inside for so long that now, I just freeze! She finally demanded to know why I just sit all day and do nothing and what is going on and I promised to sit with her this Sunday night and spill it all out. I know you recommend this, and I know it’s the right thing, to come forward and become honest for once, but I’m finding it the hardest or one of the hardest things I have ever attempted to do. I am almost shaking when I think of it, and I will admit also, maybe with some embarrassment, that the idea of her with this man does have some erotic excitement to it, that I am actually turned on by this entire thing. Does this actually make any sense? And her suitor’s name isn’t Richard, by the by.”

Yes, it makes sense, Eythor, but you’re still missing the point of the exercise: this isn’t about you, it’s about YOU turning from YOU AND YOUR PLIGHT and paying HER some attention for a change, finding out where she is at and why and for how long she’s been suffering and waiting for you to act with some backbone or whatever grievance she obviously holds against you. It’s about dropping you and your bruised ego and becoming a neutral sounding board, a good listener NOW to her.

The actual ‘fucking the neighbor’ aspect, believe me, is the least of your problems, though it may appear to be the most painful and, perplexedly as you intimate, a real turn on, too. This, Eythor, is damn common, as so many men are indeed turned on by the thought of another man pleasuring their wives. In fact, I think it’s a wonderfully healthy occurrence, IF you’re on board with it, too.

The problem is twofold: 1) you overcoming your selfish possessiveness and allowing another man, a competitor, to share in what you believe is yours alone, your wife, and 2) you flipping all this misery over and actually seeing things from your wife’s perspective.

Soon as my book is out, you’ll have the means and methods to overcome, I assure you. Until then, you make sure this coming Sunday night unfolds as it should: in your complete confession, asking HER for HER forgiveness and not the other way around, then you listening and probing her to reveal to you the full extent of your failures, her difficulties and whatever else she feels like releasing to you. THIS is your great challenge now: leaving your pain behind you and acting like a man, a man who CARES for his wife rather than simply SAYING he does.

Speaking of nymphomaniacs, in this week’s History’s Most Outrageous and Powerful Women, we move from the Mediterranean to the African continent, where I give you perhaps the most insatiable woman of all time, Zingua, Queen of Angola!

Now, before I start describing in lurid details this woman’s almost unbelievable exploits, I need to address a couple details:

1) Her name. Yeah, I know, there’re a million different versions of this infamous monarch’s name, so many in fact, that I simply refer to her as Zingua and if I offend anyone, I’m sorry but nobody agrees on her actual name, so why should I concern myself with it? Still, if you’re interested, here is a partial list the scholars have come up with: Queen Nzinga, Nzinga I, Queen Nzinga Mdongo, Nzinga Mbandi, Nzinga Mbande, Jinga, Singa, Zhinga, Ginga, Njinga, Njingha, Ana Nzinga, Ngola Nzinga, Nzinga of Matamba, Queen Nzinga of Ndongo, Zinga, Zingua, Ann Nzinga, Nxingha, Mbande Ana Nzinga, Ann Nzinga, Anna de Sousa and Dona Ana de Sousa. Clear? Yeah, me neither.

2) The meaning of her name. Yeah, more controversy but from what I can gather, and despite all the rather disgusting inferences, when Zingua was born, her umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck, thus her appellation in her native language, not, however, as some have suggested, that it wasn’t her umbilical cord or even a snake but her father’s excessively prodigious sexual member which he draped upon her in celebration of her birth.

What is certain about this woman was that she rose to power after murdering her brother, who himself had come to power by murdering his brother and son. While we could focus on the trade relations she established with the Portuguese after successively defending her monarchy against them, and how influential she was in regional affairs, yadda yadda, what’s interesting to me about Zingua is her unrelenting sexual appetite. It is staggering to contemplate.

One of her first official acts was to institute a law enforcing “…the vulgavaguability of women,” or, a law which “…made their cunts as universally free to fucked as the air is to be breathed,” according to Masters and Lea, my principal sources. Yep, Zingua made it legal for any man to have intercourse with any woman he chose whenever he wanted to; the idea of rape was simply removed from their collective consciousness. If a man wanted pussy, he should have it, no if’s and’s or but’s…uh, no pun intended.

Masters and Lea did an extraordinary job detailing her sexual proclivities, so I’ll not be sparing in relating that this woman kept a collection of very young men and women whose sole occupation it was to attempt to satisfy their queen. It is noted that, in EVERY instance after sex, she had her partner(s) murdered before her eyes, then would often drink the blood of her victims and, in several instances, had the flesh prepared for a repast. There was no escape for anyone chosen to please the queen: you did your job knowing death was your only reward. In one particularly heinous evening, she enjoyed 113 boys and girls, barely finishing with one before the next performer took their place, delighting in the screams of the ravished children as they died in succession.

By all accounts she was gorgeous and kept a harem of men (often dressed as women) for her nightly pleasures, as she so enjoyed seeing young women raped repeatedly before her. It is said that no young man could resist her, which she used to her special advantage, setting up duels between potential lovers, the winner getting to advance to her bedroom where he was expected to perform heroically, both in bed and then in meeting his inevitable death. Though the men knew there to be no way out, it is still remarkable that so many lined up for the right to spend just one night with Zingua, offering his Queen 3 distinct pleasures in the process: one in witnessing his triumph in battle, two in pleasing her sexually, and three in giving her even more joy from willingly yielding up his life as she stood on and watched.

Her scandals grew to be infamous, and her power greatly feared, for none could oppose her. She once passed a law that every pregnant woman under 30 was to be crushed to death under a huge block of stone, and particularly delighted in torturing and deflowering virgins, murdering any man who himself took a girl’s virginity, a right granted strictly to the Queen. Perhaps strangely, she lived to be 80 years old and yet never had to face assassination attempts, her subjects and the Portuguese traders so fearful of her wrath that they did everything -or, in this case, nothing– which might displease her.

Talk about absolute authority. Zingua lived in a time when her word could mean death for any minor offense or, more often, for her insatiable pleasure. She was no wilting ‘couch whore’ either, for she led her troops in battle against the Portuguese many times, even into her 60’s. While she is admired and remembered today for her political acumen, great wit and intelligence, along with her brilliant military tactics, I prefer to think of her as the cruelest, most self-centered, pleasure-seeking nymphomaniac the world has ever seen!

Barry Zito came though huge for us in Friday’s 5-0 blanking of the St. Louis Cardinals in Game 5, another elimination game. Now it’s on to Game 6 in SF, where we win it and send it to Game 7, which, well, you know who wins that one, right?

Onward we go…

2 Responses to “Zingua the Immolator, and more on Eythor’s Dilemma”
  1. Myron the moron says:

    Thought of the day raining as hell last night in san fransisco. if the angels up above made it rain ladys pussy juice cumm . Would guys take a shower more every day . Love myron, the moron. Thats how they made angles dust the old days out of ladys dry cumm and mens. Chop chop .

  2. Thanks for your comments, Myron! You have a quirky but quite delightful way about you!

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