A married man struggles to celebrate his hot-wife’s extra-marital adventures

Hello again everyone! I’ll ignore those who don’t celebrate this, my favorite holiday, and ask, how was your Halloween? I had a wonderful time, dressing up as a witch doctor and giving out a few home-made organic goodies rather than GMO candy.

At any rate, up first, as every week, is a promo for my Internet radio show; let’s take a look:

Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday nights at 11 pm Eastern/8 pm Pacific on the Positive Living Vibrations Radio Network, please join me for my half hour show, The Sexual Symposium!

This week’s show: Celebrating your hot girlfriend’s sexuality, and deflating the In-Your-Face habit.

“In this week’s show, Milt instructs a man to learn to celebrate -and not become possessive of- his very hot girlfriend; deals with a listener critical of his criticism of Criticism (!) while addressing a woman who over-criticized her husband, and offers a man some thoughts on enjoying -rather than being ashamed of- his promiscuous wife.”

http://plv-radio.com/all-about-relationships/
~

Got an interesting and (depending on how you see it) sadly opportunistic phone call from an old friend the other day which ties into my latest show and which ended up consuming the better part of my day. Started pleasant, went straight to Hell, then we came up for air at long last…

R, let’s call him, checked in as he does from time to time to tell me he was separated from his wife of 18 years but that it was fine and all was well. He seemed to be in good spirits and wasn’t really down, but I’m an expert in these types of things, so I thought I’d probe him a little, only to find, after a few short but pointed questions, that, underneath the stone cold exterior, was a man screaming in pain.

Yeah, didn’t take R very long to then reveal that the separation was not a mutual decision and that, despite reading my book (which he said he enjoyed but, of course, didn’t take any of it seriously), he was flat clueless as to how to continue his life. In essence, she had been giving signs that –here we go again, guys– R was becoming sedentary and boring and was offering no new challenges or even mutual adventures and that, a couple summers ago, she had gone off for a week with friends to Las Vegas and…well, I assume you can imagine what then took place, yes, she met not only one but several attractive men who she had a great time with and, upon returning home, suddenly announced to R that she would now be dating regularly, including weekends away and even a planned trip to this year’s Carnival in Brasil (which, according to R, went ‘fabulously…at least for her’).

Now, R initially revealed all this rather matter-of-factly but, as I continued to query him, his cool demeanor gradually dropped and soon, we had hit the core: she was gone this entire week, off on an adventure with a new ‘friend’ where she would be dating, dancing, wining and dining and yes, sexing…and R was in pure misery, wow! Suddenly came the tears, with the bitterness to follow.

I’ll dispense with the back-and-forth, but R finally got to the actual problem:

“So I’ve been kinda slowly agreeing to everything she wants, at first it was just curiosity, something to try so she didn’t feel like she was missing out, but once she got taste for dating, and then when she actually had sex that was a lot better than her and me, now, it’s like a ball rolling downhill getting faster, she’s out now almost every weekend since early summer, and not ever with me, and we just never even have sex at all any more, twice this year, and a month ago she moved out and now she’s off for the whole week with her young stud. She doesn’t want a divorce, she says she still loves me as her partner but this is something she feels she needs to do and wants me to be patient with her. OK, I’m patient but it’s driving me crazy.”

“What is?” I asked. “Think about it first, what is it that’s getting to you the most?”

He went quiet, then it all blurted out in one long tirade of hatred, resentment, fear and jealousy, of which I will not share the details, this being a friend, who agreed that I can speak ABOUT him but with no ‘identifying markers’, as he put it.

“It’s everything, Milt, it isn’t just one thing, and I just want other guys to see what happened to me; just leave as much of my identity out of it as you can.”

No problem.

I was in a mellow, even sympathetic mood, not at all didactic and stern; I drew him out, kept asking him for more of the story, allowing him the chance to get it out and look at all of ‘it’ without advising or judging him. Sometimes people just need a good ear, and I sensed early that R, a genius and one of the top experts in his field, had long ago figured things out RATIONALLY, but his emotions were lagging years behind, and what he most needed was to let it out, thus, he did.

Oh, once I could feel he’d ‘spent’ his load of resentment and anger, we then approached some absurdly-reasonable ‘solutions’ to dealing with his hot wife now out and about, solutions which seemed to shock, delight and then send him deep into despair, not unlike a helluva lot of other guys who’ve encountered my methods to dealing with sexually-free women and have experienced both enjoyment and despair, often in the very same moment.

I began this long section with the thought that this was a sadly opportunistic moment for me; sadly because I do not like to see a friend suffering, and opportunistic because I saw that he was coming to me for support which I am uniquely-qualified to offer. At least, at the end of the talk, he did say, “I think I will re-read your book, as I think I missed a few things.” THAT was heartening, and yes, R, you missed a helluva lot of what you do now need, balls to see things clearly and balls to make some decisions.

Actually, I advised, since he was insistent he did not want to divorce her, that he flip it all over and somehow celebrate and, if possible, participate in her dating and extra-marital activities, a startling thought which I am sure he has yet to digest, YET, what else can he do if he doesn’t want to leave her? You either accept whatever is happening and dive in fully in support, or you get as far away as possible…in my view, of course. R left our conversation bludgeoned and dulled, so we’ll see what move he next then makes…

But, as the Spartans cried out as they faced the advancing Persian hordes at Thermopylae, “Eton o Epitaph! Victory or Death!” meaning, ‘one way or the other, do not sit on the fence in default, so do something, even if it’s wrong…’

And with that, friends, I will conclude today’s entry and head outside to enjoy this gorgeous Fall weather before heading over to my Dad’s for a tri-tip barbecue with cerveza, take care!

r.miltonquibner@yahoo.com

HowHighShouldIJump.com

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